Yesterday was a great day. I finally made it out of the city and went hiking with friends and friends of friends. Roxana organized all of us to get together and go hiking for the day and have lunch in Pirque, a small town outside of Santiago.
Yesterday was one of those days where I couldn’t take anything too seriously. Maybe its how being in nature makes me feel a little giddy, but I forgot how much good humor I find in all situations even if I have a tendency to laugh at maybe not the most appropriate times as well. I remember camping with a friend of mine years ago in the desert, setting up our tent and going for a bike ride. When we returned, all of our things were gone. Our tent had blown away in the wind. He was pissed. I couldn’t stop laughing. I remember him not being very pleased with my reaction.
I am pretty sure this comes from growing up on ridiculous comedies and maybe also the last 10 years of reality tv shows combined. I was happy to sit in the back of the bus like a trouble maker scheming with my French friend and being disciplined by Roxana. I swear she is such a leader and such a great organizer. The price I pay for my sense of humor is that I am not a great leader, nor a good organizer. In fact, I fail when it comes to those things much of the time. I don’t have the personality to pull off what she does. She even had all of us introduce ourselves and do that thing where you have everyone say one interesting thing about themselves. I wanted her to have a clip board and a headset and pass out name tags too.
Friendship is so important to me. It always has been. I rarely get to see my family and to make up for it I have made exceptionally close friendships in my life with both men and women…they are like my replacement family.
I’m not sure if I consider my biological family close. It bothers me. I try to call my mom once a week. I try, but I don’t always do it. I haven’t seen my sister in almost 7 years and my brother…I haven’t seen him in at least 3 or more years and I only see my other brother due to the fact that he lives semi close to my parents, so when I see them maybe once a year, I usually see him as well. Is this normal for us in the US? My dad and I have never been very close, but his one wish for me was to actually write to my sister to say hi and break the ice a little between us. Why weren’t we talking? I have no idea. I think it’s merely just a lack of consciousness we have for communication. I feel my real family fading away in the dust and it bothers me immensely.
Sometimes I think about how years ago I couldn’t imagine never seeing my siblings…how they were such an integral part of my life. How did I ever end up with this completely disconnected family?
I always remember the one time my brother came to California because of his job. He just happened to visit me as well. I met him at his hotel and we spent the evening together. The next morning his flight was canceled and he irritatedly referred to the rest of the day together as “dead time.” That kind of stung. But then at the same time I hear from so many people that know him about how much he talks about me and how much he thinks about me. He isn’t the only person like this in my life. Why can’t we just say how we feel to the actual person we have these feelings for? And why is it easier to express it to someone else? My mom always says, “You know your dad talks about you a lot,” but he isn’t talking about me to me so how would I know? In addition to this, my family has always had a habit of insulting each other and its sort of an affectionate thing. Tough love. I kinda have a feeling that this is normal for many American families.
So much of American culture is based on independence. If you are still living with your family after 20 years old then something is wrong with you…or at least that is what we assume. I haven’t lived near my parents since I was 18 years old other than a small stretch of time when I needed to stay with them for financial reasons. I missed out on a consistent relationship with my brother and his family and all of my nephews and my niece. Suddenly my niece is 14 years old this year. Suddenly my parents have grey hair and all kinds of medical problems. When did they age? I was never around long enough to witness all of the transitions.
Maybe I needed them more. Maybe leaving them so young was actually a premature thing to do because the lack of them has made me seek it in others and I’ve maybe stayed in relationships way too long or formed bonds that maybe I shouldn’t have because of this.
At the same time, to appear needy at least in the US is completely unacceptable and so I was taught that I need to do it all on my own and I need to be proud of this. I am proud of it. I have done a lot just solo…more than I give myself credit for most of the time. I’m definitely not afraid of being alone. I can take care of myself and I can support myself just fine even if I slip up sometimes and get my Ipod stolen or forget my keys or have to go back to my apartment two or three times after I intended to leave to get something else. One of my ex-boyfriends used to call me “two trips” because I couldn’t just leave the apartment the first time. I’m not perfect.
I am thankful for Roxana because currently she is my stand in family and she does a good job of it. She also does a good job of including all sorts of other people that are new here. Our new addition was a guy from the States who lost his financial job during the beginning of the economic crisis in the US and changed his life becoming a yoga instructor and looking towards spirituality instead of the American dream. That’s not much of a unique story these days.
I think I would absolutely go crazy if I didn’t have at least one good friend here that I could really communicate with inside out. I’m realizing so much how I actually do need people in my life and maybe being so overly independent isn’t all that its cracked up to be.
The mountains were beautiful yesterday and it was so nice to breathe fresh air again. Between that and having laughed all day, I feel somewhat renewed from all of it.
