So…It’s the beginning of May and I haven’t written in this blog since sometime in December. The longer the time has elapsed the more intimidating it has become to produce something new…just because I think after the last 4 months I should perhaps report back something…say…earth shattering. However, it’s not really the case.
I’m still here.
But I did take advantage of the summer here and had an extended period of vacations in Argentina, Uruguay and Brazil…
And when I came back, I felt great.
And now I also have the new experience of dating someone in Santiago which is making me happy:)
And I am also painting again. Returning to my art has been great…even if I am not doing it every day.
Of course when I think about being here…I am still pressuring myself over finding a good meaning and purpose and if am I am living up to all that I could do here…not only for myself, but I also spend a lot of time being conscious of my affect on others as a foreigner here. Probably I’m not, at least living up to all of the expectations I place on myself and sometimes I feel a little overwhelmed…in fact I think too much focus on this stops me dead in the tracks of enjoying myself here.
A couple years ago I worked for a mental health institute, as an assistant to train people in the mental health field. There I learned about a concept in which all people have a “core value.” It speaks of the person one is at their core beyond what defines them as a worker with skills or even their own personality traits. The process of learning about your “core value” is through a series of questions which takes place in a group. It can last for hours as the group discusses and decides what they feel could possibly motivate you as a person. I remember mine being about curiosity. It was as simple as that. I’m a curious person and somehow my curiosity is supposed to work for me in this life.
As I return to how I originally felt about coming here, I think about how I tried something very random and let myself see where I would go with that experience…all for the joy of exploring and traveling. Each experience building upon another…and here I am. When I think of the core of me…a person who loves to investigate and experience things….I came here because I was acting on an instinctual desire of something I love to do for my own curiosity. Maybe it was a little random, but I started something and now I am trying to figure out what it means to me.
Because i’ve been painting again, I’ve realized that my process of painting is very similar…because I have always started my work with some very random marks and no image in mind (all of my work is abstract)…and many layers later it slowly becomes something but not without fighting with it. The constant struggle is the part I hate and so I always feel like I don’t completely love painting.
For years this has made me think that maybe I am not a “real” painter…because it doesn’t always flow for me. Actually, it never completely flows for me and sometimes I have no idea what the hell I am working towards because I had no idea in the first place (one would think that by now I would considering making a plan…but I just don’t work that way!!). Usually the middle point of my paintings look like a freaking mess of small build ups of texture and color that I don’t want to give up, but they don’t quite support the whole of the painting. Usually it takes me some time to back away and come back and simplify everything after I’ve let it be for a while. Every painting is the same. During the process of it all, it’s difficult for me to realize that I need to eliminate those things to find a balance in the painting. It can make me feel very insecure as a painter. The only thing that keeps me going is that somehow I have always had this tenacity (coincidentally…very similar to my last name) where I don’t give up until I find some sort of ending that satisfies me. And I always love the outcome of all my work.
If that is not an analogy of the way I live my life, I don’t know what is. My creative process pretty much equals the way in which I live my life. I struggle and try to do so many things that seem to sometimes be going somewhere or that might lead to something temporarily but then go nowhere and something inside me tries to resist so many things that could perhaps be easier until one day I clear away all of the fears and “problems” and find a sudden peaceful resolution. The thing is…for some reason I have to go through trying all the possibilities until I find that resolution. I don’t know any other way. Yet, I always put up the same fight because there are so many times when I hold on so tight to those same “small build ups of texture and color” in my life that I think are going to keep me feeling so “secure,” but are not supporting the real me totally. And, just as with my art, it makes me also not always completely love myself.
My original intentions of being here were to explore. It wasn’t until I came here that my purpose began changing and taking different forms and avenues…maybe I need to remind myself of the origin of who I am…that person who loves to “explore and investigate”…who is “curious”…and that it is okay just being that…because I can feel downright insecure considering all of my plans and intentions and whether I am doing all of them the best I can.
Leaving the city for the day yesterday and being in nature, was an affirmation to give space for what I love. It reminds me of my very first blog entry of when I went hiking in the mountains for the first time here.
Maybe the best purpose I can offer in my life right now is what I feel that my art is supposed to be about until I begin challenging it with all of the expectations of what the outcome should be…its a matter of play…the joy of building and creating and seeing where it takes me. I perfected this in my childhood and as an adult I hold on. This is what I need to remember about both painting and my life…to take a little advice from my silly side in which I feel the most free…let go of trying to make it all work, give it some space and accept the absurdity of it all because maybe that is where I sort everything out and it comes together for me.
